I am often asked by clients what I would do if I were in their shoes, in the midst of a painful situation, where mediation was an option. Would I go through mediation? I tend to talk to clients by circling back to their unique situation and doing a cost/benefit analysis, because it’s not about me. And my answer is:
It depends.
I am hard-pressed to think of a personal or professional situation in which I would not engage in mediation as a participant if my criteria for engagement were met. Having said that, when it’s really tough stuff, then our criteria had better be clearly met.
In a past life, I found myself in a violent relationship. It took almost 3 years, immense family support, and a baby on the way to get out. He never made contact with me again. He never interrupted my child’s life. But if, for whatever reason, he showed up today and asked to engage in mediation, would I do it? Would I have done it then?
It depends. It depends on the following:
- Who would the mediator be? How seriously skilled are they? Not just what they show on their website or in their bio, but actual honed and tested skills. What background do they have in the specific areas this mediation would venture into? For example, how aware are they of the impact of violence even years later? What is their understanding of the cultural underpinnings at play? Does the mediator live a life in line with the values they espouse in their work? I don’t want to work with someone who is wearing a mediator mask because that mask wears thin very quickly when the work gets real.
- What process would be used? There is no cookie cutter process to mediation. Every situation demands something different. This type of mediation would demand more than 1-2 initial conversations and then a joint process. This type of mediation would demand a restorative process that has a way of addressing the harms done and a mediator who can suss out the most effective timeline for the process and for each conversation.
- What additional psychological support would be provided? It’s a myth to believe that mediation alone resolves every remnant of conflict or harm. After reviewing our in-house cases at TPR, we decided to provide therapeutic support (a therapist) to each mediation participant, regardless of the mediator’s skills. There is so much pain that often needs a place to be held and soothed.
- What about safety? Actual psychological AND physical safety. If we are doing this face-to-face, is the mediator paying attention to the size of the room that is needed? Access to the door? Windows or no windows? Whether there are objects that can be thrown around? Tables that can be flipped? Are there plans in place for physical intervention if need be?
Now, mediators as you are reading this, I have no doubt some of you are thinking “I wouldn’t even take this to a joint session if I thought things were going to be thrown or if I had to have a physical intervention plan in place”. You are not wrong, but let’s check that thinking for a moment.
The physical intervention plan is not because you will actually need it; rather, it adds to the psychological safety of those in the room to know it exists, to know you thought about their safety to that degree. It adds boundaries and a sense of relief to know there is a system around you.
- What’s the purpose of the mediation? What’s in it for me to engage in this? What’s the growth, relief, hope for me? If there is no purpose then there is no need for mediation.
- What’s the venue? How is the venue serving the needs of the participants? Interestingly, as we have shifted to conducting mediations online, participants have reported a greater sense of safety. They are in their own homes, surrounded by their things, their furry pets, their comforting coffee mug, slippers, and space. The result is greater self-regulation and focused, doable agreements. There is no fear of running into the person coming or going, and in the most anxiety-inducing situations, no fear that the person will take down your licence plate number or follow you home. These are natural fears before a mediation.
- What’s my relationship with the mediator? We keep saying the need for objectivity in mediation is paramount. We say the mediator must engage in the same process with each party and plant seeds of neutrality, etc. This is great until you are the one sitting across from the mediator, hoping they will see you as the well-intentioned, hard-working, good person you are. When you are the one across the table, looking for some glimmer of support and care from the mediator, objectivity is not on your mind. I would want the same. A mediator who is so competent they can offer care, offer a container for my story to emerge in, and for me to know that even the person I believe harmed me will get that too, because that is the only way we will have success. There will not be a “professional lukewarm” approach.
There is no doubt that there would be other factors I would consider that I am not even mentioning here. The ultimate takeaway is:
Whether it is a workplace mediation, a family situation, or a situation of extreme harm, mediation is not intended to be a cookie-cutter process. It can’t be. No lazy mediators allowed! The process must be as unique to each situation as we are to each other. Mediators must be skilled beyond their certificates and credentials. As mediators, we need depth of human understanding and the ability to slow down and pay attention to what is emerging before us. We need to deeply understand participants’ fears, the emotional reliance they have on us, and how what we do next can affect their psyches.
So, just like for me, if you are thinking of participating in mediation, ask the right questions to make sure your criteria for participation is met.
About the author
Dr. Raj Dhasi is the President of Turning Point Resolutions Inc. and a faculty member at the Justice Institute of British Columbia’s Centre for Conflict Resolution. She holds a Master’s degree in Organizational Conflict Analysis and Management and a Doctorate in Social Sciences, with over 25 years of experience supporting workplaces, school systems, and communities through complex conflict. LinkedIn